Elevators’ removal cause riot

Elevators’ removal cause riot

Coffee Man

Students attempt to make the climb to the fourth floor of Plumb Hall two days after the president’s office announced the elevators’ closure. Student said that they were just so used to the ease of elevators that they forgot how much work it is to climb stairs.

Students are in an uproar after the a BuzzIn announcement on Tuesday stating that all elevators will be shut down at the end of this week, and construction to remove them will begin within the month.

Although, the master plan calls for more detrimental problems next semester immediately following the announcement an angry mob had formed outside of President Shonrock’s office, demanding answers. The student worker sent out to answer questions in his stead was crying within seconds, and it was impossible to get a coherent answer through the sobs.

“I just don’t know why they think this would be okay,” said Jennifer Scales, junior history major. “I work and go to class on the 4th floor of Plumb. I’m not walking up those stairs.”

Another mob of students had congregated at the bottom of the stairs, many of them unable to make the difficult climb after so many months and years of not using the damn things.

“I just… can’t…. “ said Ben Major, sophomore english major.  He waved away further questions as he struggled to take deep, wheezing breaths.

Many students the group have vowed to stop attending classes in protest.

Linsey Meyers, freshman communication major, is one student who refuses to go to her class on the third floor once the elevators stoppe operating.

“Well,  I think you’re misunderstanding what I mean,”Meyers said. “ I’m not really protesting, I mean, I would go if I could. It’s just, you know, not really an option,” she said motioning to her wheel chair.  “Can we stop? You’re making me really uncomfortable.”

The president’s office still has not returned the Bulletin’s calls at the time of publication, but an inside source – who works in the president’s office every Tuesday and Thursday, but, who wishes to remain anonymous, so we’re not naming names – stated that the entire thing is a misunderstanding. 

“They were supposed to be updated, but there was some miscommunication,” said the source. “I think he realized it after he sent out the BuzzIn announcement, but is embarrassed and so refuses to admit he made a mistake. Kind of a dick move, but now we’re committed.”

All stories in The Bullshit on The Bulletin’s website are completely false. All information is made up and should not be taken literally. 

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