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“God, I miss being that skinny. I was so small.”
A phrase I’ve uttered more times than I’d like to admit. However, if I’m being honest, when I think back, I don’t remember feeling small or thin. I remember crying in my room because I felt fat. I didn’t have a thigh gap or a flat stomach, I had wider hips, thick thighs and an ass.
While that seems to be the current body trend, it didn’t use to be. There was so much pressure to be thin and “healthy.” It was never about being healthy. If it were, I wouldn’t starve myself, and other people I know wouldn’t have been on their knees in the bathroom sticking fingers down their throats.
In my experience, you almost never recognize that it’s an eating disorder at first – or maybe we do and just don’t acknowledge it. You tell yourself you can skip meals and it’ll be okay, you don’t need all that food. Even it’ll when you can feel your stomach gnawing at itself, you tell yourself you’re not hungry and that be okay.
For me, it started so early that I don’t think I can remember a time when I wasn’t depriving myself. Now, it’s been so long it feels like second nature and it’s so hard to break the cycle. Having a healthy relationship with food can be so daunting.
However, it’s not impossible. It may feel like that now, but I promise it’s not. If you struggle as I do, I want you to know, I see you and we can get through this. The journey to recovery can be terrifying, but we’re strong and our bodies are powerful. If you don’t struggle with an eating disorder, be patient with those who do. Recovery isn’t easy.
Health will look different for each person and comparing stories or bodies is no help; especially if those are heavily curated bodies online. Progress also may not always be linear, but it can get easier. There’s also no shame in needing help. Look or give guidance, whether that be from a doctor or therapist, and seek or provide support to loved ones. Recovery doesn’t have to be alone; ESU provides counseling. You are not broken, your struggle doesn’t define you and it isn’t shameful.
For extra help, call and set an appointment with the wellness center at 620-341-5222. You can also get help at equip.health if you’re a Kansas resident. However, if you’re not a Kansas resident, the NEDA helpline is 800-931-2237.