Well, we’re at an end now folks. The year is finally coming to a close, and by now you’re all probably absolutely zombified by your finals and end of the semester assignments. Oh – so you’re not zombified from the finals? You mean to tell me that the masses dragging themselves to class everyday have been doing that because of some mutated form of mad cow disease? Shit. I give you Josh’s Top 5 Zombie Apocalypse Defense Weapons.
5. .22 Rifle/Glock 18 – If you have to go with a firearm, which is not recommended by most Zombie survival experts (see Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks), go with either the .22 Rifle, or the Glock 18 pistol. The reason for firearms being shunned is that they inherently will eventually run out of ammo. If the world is in absolute chaos, then ammunition will be a limited resource that may never be manufactured again. .22 caliber ammunition, while small, will be effective in destroying the brain of any would be Zombie if used correctly.
4. Chainsaw – This is mostly on the list for fun’s sake, since if you aren’t having fun during the zombie apocalypse then what the hell are you going to do? Being powered by gasoline, which will be a limited resource like ammo, the chainsaw will only last you as long as you have the luxury of fuel. I recommend a diamond grit infused chain for your saw, and after you unleash this puppy be prepared to take a dip in the local creek to wash yourself off.
3. Shovel – The shovel serves both a utilitarian purpose, as well as a weapon one. The edge of your shovel can be sharpened to be used as a spear, or a pike for a close range weapon that will still keep distance between those pesky zombie bites and you. Turning zombies into Pez dispensers should be on any zombie apocalypse bucket list. Secondly, you can dig trenches around your base of operations to keep them trapped for a zombie barbecue (assuming you have the fuel to spare). Lastly, if it breaks then it just turns into a spear/beating stick.
2. Machete – Some may roll their eyes at this bladed weapon, and would rather throw their support behind something like a katana. Katanas are fine to use, assuming you have the training necessary to use it correctly. If you don’t know what you’re doing you could hurt yourself, or the rest of your posse. Machetes are simple hacking weapons that require no real training to use, and will effectively cause wounds to a zombie skull if they get close to you.
1. Your Body – The movie “Zombieland” made this tool perfectly clear. When everything else has been taken away, the best weapon that every person has is the human body. While fragile, it can be worked into a weapon of nearly unlimited effectiveness. Basic self-defense, cardiovascular conditioning and muscular endurance are must-haves for any zombie apocalypse survivor. Cardiovascular health will be important for constantly being on the move in a world that will not have the luxury of constant fuel supply, and basic self-defense can keep small groups of attackers at bay so that you can conserve your limited weapon materials. The effectiveness of most zombie defense weapons is only as good as the person wielding it, so make sure to keep in tip-top physical condition at all times. Even if the zombie apocalypse never comes, then you can maintain a healthy lifestyle; something that can’t be said for most of America.
